Hm.

Kris, sometimes you need to get real and grow up. What does getting real involve? Well, first of all, you can start with Dave Chapelle’s video, Keeping It Real. I could go through the trouble of finding this video on youtube for you, but I’m too real for that. But trust me, Dave really knows how to keep it real, or in whitefolkspeak, getting real. Secondly, you need to stop pretending to care about the Oscars. You don’t care about the Oscars. Nobody cares about the Oscars. It’s a fashion show! Nobody talks about who some screenplay winner except geeks like you! Jamie Foxx? Halle Berry? Sean Penn? They don’t care about the Oscars! They’re all acting. That’s what they’re paid to do! Acting while beautiful? You are not an actor, but I won’t comment on your beauty. It is too superficial. If your inside was healthy, it would not matter that you constantly sweat in the company of beautiful women. But I digress. I know you only want to see if these famous people are really so unreachable that you, Kris Tapley, a potentially former nobody, could not rub shoulders with. I know you’ve got ideas. You’ve got ambition. You’ve got what they call a master plan (frankly I’m appalled that the mistress plan is not as widely known, but maybe it is meant to be a secret). Screenplays, right? Have you seen Adaptation? It was a good movie, no? I like it when Meryl Streep got high and talked to her toes. Look, what I’m trying to say here is, Kris, you’ve got to stop getting high on your ego and talking to your toes. Or talking trash about people who are more gay and/or happy (or, you know, flamboyant!) than you. It’s time for you to grow up. Nobody cares about the screenplay guy. I predict that by the time you get anywhere in Hollywood, it would not be the Jews who dominate the scene, but the gay. Did you hear the sound of Lance Bass coming out of the closet just recently? You should pick up the tabloids when you get in line for your milk and batman suit next time you’re at a store. He’s in there somewhere. Don’t you see? It’s only a matter of time that Justin Timberlake would follow. And then it’s over. You can’t be a pretty, successful celebrity in Hollywood unless you’re catering to the gay-friendly population. What I’m trying to say is, when you get more important contacts, you should hire me as your publicist. I will transform your image from a snooty internet guy to someone who’s getting real and growing up by becoming really gay. Tom Cruise would be yesterday’s news. You would not be shamelessly flattering Nicole Kidman for an interview. She’d personally ask you to join her in her next botox session. And you would turn her down because, well, you would be just too Fabulous for her. It’s Kris Tapley time. Carpe diem, Batman!

Awww....how CUTE!